It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I wasn't supposed to be this silly girl. I wasn't supposed to fall in love. You weren't supposed to be unavailable. I wasn't supposed to be emotionally weak.

I met you on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I didn't even take you seriously when you approached me. I was so sure that you were drunk. We danced together and it was fun, but that was all it was. Just a dance, with a guy, at the beach. You asked for my number and I gave it to you. Partly because I thought you were cute, partly because I thought you were too drunk and you wouldn't remember me or my name the next morning. To my surprise, you called me on Monday. Guess you were not so drunk after all. You wanted to hang out with me after work. I gave it a thought and said ok. Partly because I thought you were cute, partly because I needed a distraction and partly because I was curious.  What would you look like sober, without sunglasses on and dressed in regular clothes? Well my curiosity was satisfied when I saw you. You were still cute, you looked different without sunglasses on and your shirt and trousers fit nicely. I was glad I came. I had a really great time with you. The conversation was fantastic and I couldn't stop laughing. I have a thing for guys that make me laugh. That was the beginning of the crazy fun we were about to have together.

We saw each other every evening that week and I didn't get tired of you. I looked forward to all your text messages and your calls. I thought it was ok to fall for you. You seemed like you were also falling for me. It was all great since we were both single. There was no harm and we were having a great time together. I was so comfortable around you. We could sit in your car for hours just talking and I felt like I could stay with you forever. I know it sounds so mushy, so emotional, so sentimental, so .... girly. Whatever! That was how I felt. And I loved every minute of that feeling. I thought I had found the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We were talking on the phone late at night and you said those words to me "I Love You". My heart melted and before my brain could get it's bearing, I said " I Love You Too". Wow! It was official, we were in love. This is what I had been waiting for. Before long, you asked me to be your girlfriend. I wanted to say yes, but I got scared. I thought things were moving too fast. I said we should wait and see how things go. Till tomorrow, I will never know if that was the greatest mistake I made with us. Sometimes I feel things would have turned out differently if I had just said yes. Sadly, I will never know.

The day started off like any other day. You called and wanted to hang out after work. I said cool, but your voice sounded funny. I asked what was wrong, but you said nothing. I put it off thinking you would talk about it when we met later on. Work ended and you were waiting for me outside my office. We drove to your friend's house in our cars. While there, you were still looking, sounding and acting funny. I asked what was wrong and you still said nothing. I didn't like the fact that you were not telling me what's wrong, but I decided to be patient and give you some space. All three of us then drove to Kingsize to hang out and watch the game that night. While there, you said the words that would shatter my world as I knew it. When you first said it, I thought you were joking. You couldn't be serious. How was I supposed to believe that? YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!! Silence. My heart skipped. You looked serious. OMG, you were serious! What the FUCK!!! How could you have a girlfriend? I was supposed to be your girlfriend. I know I didn't say yes that day, but we had been acting like a couple for the past couple of months. How could you do this to me?

You started begging. You were pleading with me to forgive you. I was just crying. Why was I crying? I felt like an idiot. How could I not know you had a girlfriend? You lied to me. So maybe you never even loved me. How could you do this to me? You led me on and like a fool, I followed you. What was I supposed to do now? I know I'm being dramatic, but I felt like my work had just crashed. You said that you were sorry. You didn't mean to hurt me. I was the love of your life. You didn't love her. You were going to break up with her. I just needed to give you some time. She wasn't in the country so you wanted to wait for her to get back before you did it. I thought that was brave of you to want to break up with her in person. Because I loved you, I believed you. I was going to give you time to sort things out. You had to sort things out. My heart was still trying to get its beat back.

A month passed and things started getting worse. You were not sure when she would be coming back. How the hell do you have a girlfriend and you don't know when she will be coming back. I stopped seeing you everyday. We started fighting on the phone. You stopped calling and texting as much. What was going on? Everything was falling apart. Then the real truth started coming out. She was not really out of town. She has always been around. It was not really a family hook-up. She was not really a bad person. In fact, you didn't think you were going to break up with her. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

I didn't think my heart could break again, but it did. How could the person that was supposed to love me cause me so much pain? How could the person that was supposed to protect me, hurt me so much? Why did you let me fall for you if you had no intentions of catching me? Why did you take me on this wild ride if you were just going to kick me to curb on the highway of love? Now you tell me to get over you. That you love me but we can't be together. You love her too so you can't leave her. How can you be in love with 2 different girls? You say you don't want to be selfish and tie me down. That I should try to move on. But you still love me. You can't let go of me. I'm a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have me. Why couldn't you be the lucky one? You want us to still be friends. I'm a very special person and you want me to still be in your life.

I was weak, so I couldn't let you go. We still kept seeing, you still kept saying you love me, and we still kept having fun together. Yet in all this, you still had a girlfriend and you still keep telling me you are not leaving her. You come to see me at work and we still sit in your car for hours having the best conversations like always. The only difference now is that when she calls, you pick the phone. You don't even bother hiding it. You talk to her like I'm not even there. Like I don't matter any more. Like you were not just telling me how much you guys fight. Like you didn't just look at me with love in your eyes. Like you didn't just kiss me as if you needed me to make everything ok. Like you didn't just hug me so tightly as if you had been waiting for that all day long. How could things get to this point? I am not sure what to do now.

At the end of the day, I sit back and think. It was not supposed to be like this. But now life has thrown me this curve ball. I am lost and confused, but one thing is sure. I am just a silly girl, in love with a boy that is unavailable and I am too emotionally weak to let him go and stand on my own.