My Darkness Within

I have avoided my blog for a while. I recently turned 26 and I felt really depressed. Didn't want to just write rubbish on here. I'm going through a funny phase right now and I keep trying to put my feelings into words. This entry is a poem. I'm no much of a poet, but I tried my best to explain how I feel. Read and let me know what you think.

I’m a ray of light that shines so bright

I dazzle like the stars and my warmth is like the sun

My character is so wild; it’s like the colours of the rainbow

My anger is as fiery as the red lava of a volcano

My excitement is like a ripe orange

My happiness is as bright as yellow custard

My mothering nature is as green as the earth

My sadness is as blue as the pacific

My humour is as weird as the colour indigo

My sarcasm is as cool as violets flowing in the breeze

Yes I am light and this light is bright

But this light is covered by darkness within

The abyss of the hollowness I feel

The dimness of my self esteem

The emptiness within me that I always try to fill

There’s an intimacy that I crave

I try to use my rainbow personality to fill it

But people get overwhelmed by the colours and their variety

I try to fill it by giving my body

But I always lose a part of my soul along with it

My soul has been fragmented into little pieces

These pieces are fused within vessels, men

They don’t even know they have a part of me

They say light overcomes the dark

But this darkness is so powerful

I’m waiting for my rainbow

But the storm is still raging

When will I get that pot of gold?

When will I smile again?

A real smile, from within

A smile that radiates with light again

For now, I just sit and think

I want to cry, but darkness has no tears

So I smile, a funny little smile

And lie to myself and say

This is just a phase, I will be fine in the morning

I Don't Fit

Has someone ever tried to fit you into an idea of the kind of person you should be? Almost like there was a blue print in their head of how you should be and they would do all they could to make you fit that exact description. Or have you met a person that has certain boxes in his mind and everybody has to fit into a particular box? Like being a girly-girl, or a tom boy or a metro-sexual or a man's man. Well I have encountered quite a few people that felt I had to fit a particular mould and tried their best to make me conform. There were others that were baffled by the fact that I didn't fit into any category they had in their mind.

One of my exes is such a person.. He felt that I needed to dress in a more feminine manner. This was in college, and back then I was a t-shirt and jeans type of girl. Matter of fact, I'm still that type of girl. I would always look so casual in school. To top if off, I would not wear heels with my jeans. I would always wear sneakers. I absolutely loved sneakers. I mean, they were so comfortable. So in his bid to make me more feminine, he went out and got me new clothes. He bought me tighter jeans, feminine tops, dresses, skirts, etc. I love gifts, so I gladly accepted the clothes. But I was left with this thought in my mind; why does he want to change my look? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not sexy enough? Next on his agenda was to make me gain weight. He said he like how I used to look before we started dating. That I had more weight, bigger thighs and a bigger butt. So I was put on a diet to increase my weight. I added Ensure to my grocery list and I used to drink at least one bottle everyday. The final item on his list was a make-up make-over for me. I usually don't use make-up, because I don't have to, but he said as a lady, I needed to use some. So off we went to the mall and headed straight for the Mac stall. I sat down at let the lady work her magic on me. She said she would give me a "natural" look. This sounded funny to me cos I felt natural would mean me without any make-up on. Anyway, when she was done, she gave me all the tools she had used on my face and a tutorial on how to achieve the same look on my own. Needless to say, at the end of this whole process, I was not sure who I was any more. Well that new look didn't last long cos I couldn't deal with all the stress. I went back to my jeans, t-shirt and no make-up face. I kept the Ensure though cos it was delicious. The guy also went out with all his new clothes. I loved myself just the way I was and I was more comfortable that way.

The Monster in Me

I have this monster in me that needs to be fed constantly. It doesn't eat food, or meat, or anything edible. This monster feeds on attention and affection. I always have this need to be with a guy. To have a guy that I can talk to, and not as a friend. I have enough male friends, but that special someone has still eluded me.

I always meet guys that seem to be that special someone and it takes several months for me to figure out that they are not so special. You would think that I would have learned my lesson by now. But that monster is still there. So I find myself having to replace the guy once he leaves. The monster just would not rest.

I don't know if anyone out there understands how I feel. I have recently found myself at that point again where the guy has shown his true colours. Now the sensible thing would be to completely cut him off and move on with my life. I can't do that because the monster must be fed. So I still find myself calling the guy, spending time with him and generally fooling myself.

Please if there are any monster hunters out there, I need your help. Kindly come and catch this monster in me and set it free in the wild. I need to learn to be single and happy. I need to learn how to be by myself and not be sad.

The Case of the 3 Northerners & 1 Middle Easterner

So elections are coming up this month in Nigeria and a whole lot of activity is happening around town. I am not really politically inclined, but I have paid attention to this particular election. I actually went out to register to vote and I plan on actually going out to vote during the election process. However, there is something that baffles me about this election.

Nigeria is a country that is very diverse. We have been split into 6 geopolitical zones and we have no less than 10 various tribes. Our religious base is also split between Christianity, Islam and Traditionalists. We always claim that we are united in our diversity. So I then begin to wonder how diverse we really are when out of the 4 major candidates running for presidency, 3 are northerners and 1 is from the middle east. 3 are Muslims and 1 is a Christian. Is it that we cannot find any credible candidates from any other region of this greatly diverse nation? Must we continue to be ruled by the gentlemen from the North?

Now, don't get me wrong, it is not even as if these candidates are that credible anyway. I mean we have Buhari,  who is an ex-military ruler, that wants to come back into power. Even when he was head of state, all the great things people claim he did were actually effected by his vice. We have another one, Ribadu, who seemed like a good enough candidate until we heard him in a debate. He was overtly aggressive and like the others, could not really articulate what he planned to do to improve the nation if he was elected president. The last person, Shekarau,  was articulate and seemed to have a plan. My only issue is that he is an Islamic fundamentalist. Nothing against Muslims, I just don't want to live in an Islamic state. In all fairness, he might not try to turn us into an Islamic nation, but I am not willing to take those chances.

Now the candidate from the middle east, Jonathan,  is a conundrum on his own. I mean, here is a guy that has a Ph.D and seems to be afraid of a debate. He went to great lengths to try and avoid debating even to the extent of insulting the intelligence of the youths. I mean, he had the nerve to organise an interview with D'Banj, who they felt was a voice for the youth. Nothing against D'Banj, but if I wanted a musician to represent my voice as a youth, he would not be my choice. I would have gone for maybe an Eldee who is very intelligent and articulate, or Banky W who played an active role in getting youths to register for the elections. Definitely not the Koko Master. I mean, even throughout the interview, he was just nodding his head in deference to Jonathan. Then he went ahead to get NTA to organise a debate that was sponsored by The Broadcasting Organisation of Nigeria (BON). Since he had refused to attend other debates that were organised by various organisations, the other presidential candidates refused to attend this one. Some people even joke and say that Jonathan was in a debate by himself and he still lost.

This all just goes to show the sad state our nation is in. As I go to the polls throughout this month, I am still not sure where I will be casting my vote. I have not found anyone that is capable of running this country successfully. I have not seen anyone that has my vote of confidence that they can help to make our nation a better place. I can only hope that whoever gets in power will not destroy our nation any more than we already are and that in the next 4 years, we will be able to raise more credible leaders that can take our nation to its great destiny.

Karma is a BITCH!

So I woke up with 2 things this morning:
a. A headache
b. An urge to write

The headache is gone now, and I am about find release for that urge.

Recently, I've been thinking about vengeance. Again, my Christianity affects me. I grew up learning that we should not take revenge on people that hurt us. That the Bible let us know that "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord". But there are those moments when someone does something really bad to you and you just want payback.

Sometimes you want the payback immediately. Other times, it doesn't have to be immediate, you just want to know that you were avenged for the wrong that was done to you.

Like the boy that broke your heart. As you watch him walk away you just wish something bad would happen to him. Like he would also get heart broken. Or that the girl he left you for will cheat on him and then break his heart. Or that he will give birth to a daughter who will meet a guy just like him and she will have her heart broken.

Like the boss that sexually harasses you when nobody is looking. You wish that one day, he will be caught in the act and exposed for the predator that he is. Or that one day he will harass the wrong girl and she will bite that tongue of his that he likes to shove down your mouth.

Like the company that advises you to resign based on the lies of your superior officer and his dislike for you. You wish that they will continue to lose the pitches they go for. Or that everything their hands touch will not flourish. Or that something bad happens to their family.

This might sound like harsh thoughts and words, but at the point in which you are hurting, you just keep thinking of how to hurt them back. Your only consolation is in your faith that God, or the fates, will avenge you. Just sit back and smile in satisfaction as you remember "It is appointed to man to die once, and after that is JUDGEMENT".

Do we age like Wine or Milk?

So a discussion was going on in my office.  Some guys felt that sex with a younger woman is more interesting, while others felt that there was more pleasure to be found in older women. So I began to wonder.  Do women age like wine and get better with time, or do they age like milk and begin to spoil over time.

Those in the camp of the younger women believe that because all her parts are still new and fresh, it is better.  Her breasts are still perky, she is young, she is energetic, she is eager to please and you can teach her new things. But these guys need to remember that these young women don't have experience.  They do not take pleasure in the full experience of the whole sexual process.  At this tender age, they are not even aware of most of the muscles that they have down below. At this age, it is about quantity and not necessarily quality. It is about how many rounds a guy can go with them and not necessarily how many orgasms or how deep the feeling they get.

Those in the camp of the older women believe fully in her experience.  Her body is more supple, she has more control over herself, she has more experience and she knows exactly what she wants. She is with a man not just to get the initial satisfaction of sex. It is about the whole process.  From foreplay, touching, feeling, tasting, etc. to the actual sex. Now keep in mind sex is not just an in and out process. It is so much more than that. They are focused on quality and not quantity. It is no longer about how many rounds a guy can go, but about how much he can do with the time available to him. Younger girls cannot really appreciate this. On the downside, their breasts are sagging a bit and their waist size begins to match their hip size.

I can't really say which school of thought is right. I just believe that every category has its target audience. Those that like younger girls, like younger girls no matter what. Those that like older women, like older women no matter what. But here's some food for thought; why is it that guys usually end up with the women in the older category? They have sex with the younger ones, but don't necessarily stay with them.

Anyway, those are just a few thoughts in my head from hearing guys discuss about women.  What do you think?

It's My Body

Guys can be so funny sometimes. I don't know why they believe in the theory that once you've hit it, you can always hit it again.Or why they think that just because they are attracted to a girl and she likes them, they can have sex with her. What if the girl doesn't want to? What if she is not attracted to you any more? What if she is just not in the mood for sex? What if she is not in the right place in her mind? What if, what if, what if?

You come to me and say let's just be friends with benefit. You like me, but you are not ready for a serious relationship so let's just maintain the status-quo. What does that mean? To me, you are saying that you just want to have sex with me. Guys, please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm probably not wrong though.

You come over, we chill and watch a game on TV. Then you start feeling up on me. I move cos I don't want anything to happen. I am perfectly fine with just chilling with you and watching a game or movie. You then make a move and I rebuff you. You get upset at me. You start asking funny questions. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just say yes? Why must I be so stubborn and difficult? Why do I find it so hard to say yes? Can't I just do this one thing for you?

As I sit and listen to you complain, I am perplexed. How can you be saying these things to me? You ask me to do this thing for you like it's a favour. This is my body we are talking about. I can't just give it to you. I am hurt by your words. We are friends and I am sad that this is what we have become.

You keep trying to cajole me. You say that it won't happen often. That is will be just once in a while. I let you know that it is not about frequency. I just don't want to have sex. You then try another angle. What if I meet the right guy, will I say the same thing. I wonder what that has to do with anything. I don't believe there is any right guy out there right now, so I don't care. You keep pushing me. So I won't have sex till I get married? Again, what does that have to do with anything. I might not wait till marriage, but as of right now, I AM NOT HAVING SEX!

I maintain my stand and refuse to give in. You leave my house in annoyance. I can't believe it. So because you are sexually attracted to me I must have sex with you? Well, that's not my problem. You can be vexed all you want. When you calm down, you can call me and we can continue our friendship. But do not for one second think that I would have changed my mind. Because of this singular act of yours, I will never have sex with you.