It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I wasn't supposed to be this silly girl. I wasn't supposed to fall in love. You weren't supposed to be unavailable. I wasn't supposed to be emotionally weak.

I met you on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I didn't even take you seriously when you approached me. I was so sure that you were drunk. We danced together and it was fun, but that was all it was. Just a dance, with a guy, at the beach. You asked for my number and I gave it to you. Partly because I thought you were cute, partly because I thought you were too drunk and you wouldn't remember me or my name the next morning. To my surprise, you called me on Monday. Guess you were not so drunk after all. You wanted to hang out with me after work. I gave it a thought and said ok. Partly because I thought you were cute, partly because I needed a distraction and partly because I was curious.  What would you look like sober, without sunglasses on and dressed in regular clothes? Well my curiosity was satisfied when I saw you. You were still cute, you looked different without sunglasses on and your shirt and trousers fit nicely. I was glad I came. I had a really great time with you. The conversation was fantastic and I couldn't stop laughing. I have a thing for guys that make me laugh. That was the beginning of the crazy fun we were about to have together.

We saw each other every evening that week and I didn't get tired of you. I looked forward to all your text messages and your calls. I thought it was ok to fall for you. You seemed like you were also falling for me. It was all great since we were both single. There was no harm and we were having a great time together. I was so comfortable around you. We could sit in your car for hours just talking and I felt like I could stay with you forever. I know it sounds so mushy, so emotional, so sentimental, so .... girly. Whatever! That was how I felt. And I loved every minute of that feeling. I thought I had found the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We were talking on the phone late at night and you said those words to me "I Love You". My heart melted and before my brain could get it's bearing, I said " I Love You Too". Wow! It was official, we were in love. This is what I had been waiting for. Before long, you asked me to be your girlfriend. I wanted to say yes, but I got scared. I thought things were moving too fast. I said we should wait and see how things go. Till tomorrow, I will never know if that was the greatest mistake I made with us. Sometimes I feel things would have turned out differently if I had just said yes. Sadly, I will never know.

The day started off like any other day. You called and wanted to hang out after work. I said cool, but your voice sounded funny. I asked what was wrong, but you said nothing. I put it off thinking you would talk about it when we met later on. Work ended and you were waiting for me outside my office. We drove to your friend's house in our cars. While there, you were still looking, sounding and acting funny. I asked what was wrong and you still said nothing. I didn't like the fact that you were not telling me what's wrong, but I decided to be patient and give you some space. All three of us then drove to Kingsize to hang out and watch the game that night. While there, you said the words that would shatter my world as I knew it. When you first said it, I thought you were joking. You couldn't be serious. How was I supposed to believe that? YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!! Silence. My heart skipped. You looked serious. OMG, you were serious! What the FUCK!!! How could you have a girlfriend? I was supposed to be your girlfriend. I know I didn't say yes that day, but we had been acting like a couple for the past couple of months. How could you do this to me?

You started begging. You were pleading with me to forgive you. I was just crying. Why was I crying? I felt like an idiot. How could I not know you had a girlfriend? You lied to me. So maybe you never even loved me. How could you do this to me? You led me on and like a fool, I followed you. What was I supposed to do now? I know I'm being dramatic, but I felt like my work had just crashed. You said that you were sorry. You didn't mean to hurt me. I was the love of your life. You didn't love her. You were going to break up with her. I just needed to give you some time. She wasn't in the country so you wanted to wait for her to get back before you did it. I thought that was brave of you to want to break up with her in person. Because I loved you, I believed you. I was going to give you time to sort things out. You had to sort things out. My heart was still trying to get its beat back.

A month passed and things started getting worse. You were not sure when she would be coming back. How the hell do you have a girlfriend and you don't know when she will be coming back. I stopped seeing you everyday. We started fighting on the phone. You stopped calling and texting as much. What was going on? Everything was falling apart. Then the real truth started coming out. She was not really out of town. She has always been around. It was not really a family hook-up. She was not really a bad person. In fact, you didn't think you were going to break up with her. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

I didn't think my heart could break again, but it did. How could the person that was supposed to love me cause me so much pain? How could the person that was supposed to protect me, hurt me so much? Why did you let me fall for you if you had no intentions of catching me? Why did you take me on this wild ride if you were just going to kick me to curb on the highway of love? Now you tell me to get over you. That you love me but we can't be together. You love her too so you can't leave her. How can you be in love with 2 different girls? You say you don't want to be selfish and tie me down. That I should try to move on. But you still love me. You can't let go of me. I'm a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have me. Why couldn't you be the lucky one? You want us to still be friends. I'm a very special person and you want me to still be in your life.

I was weak, so I couldn't let you go. We still kept seeing, you still kept saying you love me, and we still kept having fun together. Yet in all this, you still had a girlfriend and you still keep telling me you are not leaving her. You come to see me at work and we still sit in your car for hours having the best conversations like always. The only difference now is that when she calls, you pick the phone. You don't even bother hiding it. You talk to her like I'm not even there. Like I don't matter any more. Like you were not just telling me how much you guys fight. Like you didn't just look at me with love in your eyes. Like you didn't just kiss me as if you needed me to make everything ok. Like you didn't just hug me so tightly as if you had been waiting for that all day long. How could things get to this point? I am not sure what to do now.

At the end of the day, I sit back and think. It was not supposed to be like this. But now life has thrown me this curve ball. I am lost and confused, but one thing is sure. I am just a silly girl, in love with a boy that is unavailable and I am too emotionally weak to let him go and stand on my own.

Religion, Tribe and a lil thing known as Marriage

Recently, I met a guy and he seemed like a very interesting person. We started to hang out, and get to know each other better and I realised that he's a really cool person. So I now like this guy and he likes me too. Now this is where you ask, "what's the problem?" Well he is from a different tribe.

I'm sure you are wondering why this is an issue. Me personally, I am not tribalistic, but it seems my family might be a bit tribalistic. Not to an extreme point, but enough to make me wonder if anything could work out between me and this guy.

This got me thinking about some of the issues that cause problems in marriages. You have the issue of difference in culture. If this guy is from a different tribe, he has a different way of doing things, his family has different principles, they speak a different language, eat different food, etc.. This cultural gap in itself is enough to cause friction in a marriage between two different people.

If you then decided to add religious differences to it, you are playing another ball game. It's one thing if it's based on varying religions like Christianity and Islam. What happens when we now get into the craziness of denominations. Anglican, Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, etc.. Let's not even get into the various pentecostal churches; Redeemed, TREM, Winners, House on the Rock, Household of God, Daystar, Covenant Christian Centre, and the various other nameless churches. What does religion have to do with it anyway? As a Christian though, I know I can't be unequally yoked to an unbeliever, so let's permanently rule out marrying a Muslim. But should the fact that a guy is Catholic affect whether he is marriable (if that's a word) or not? I don't think so.

I think it comes down to basic facts. What character does he have? What principles does he live by, regardless of his tribe? What relationship does he have with God, regardless of his denomination?

Another issue now came to mind. What if he has a kid. These days, many young people have children already and yet they are not married. So does the fact that a person have a kid mean their chance at a future decent marriage is cut short? After all, it was just a mistake.

Now my mother explained a simple principle to me. If a person has done something once before, the probability of them doing it again is higher. So if a man had sex with a woman before, the probability of him having sex with her again is higher. So if your man has a child by another woman, the chances of him sleeping with said woman again is higher. Hmm. This is a lot to process.

Anyway, these are just a few thoughts going through my mind.

Despite all these issues, I believe that if 2 people are meant to be together, they will be. No matter what obstacles they have to overcome. It takes determination, dedication, and love to get through it all.

Good luck in your search of love and marital happiness.

The Maze of Falling in Love

I read from a blog recently, and the author compared falling in love to being in a maze.  This really got me thinking.  This whole love thing, how does it really work? How many times can a person truly fall in love in their life? Is there such a thing as true love? How many true loves can a person have in their lifetime? Is having a true love like having a soul-mate? Do soul-mates even exist?

These sound like a lot of questions, but these crazy rantings are what go on in my head. Sometimes I think I think too much (don't know if that came out right).

Anyway back to the issue at hand, falling in love. I've fallen in love before and it was like spontaneous combustion. I met a guy and two days later, he was all I could think about. That was the beginning of the roller-coaster that would be my first love. It's funny when people say they are tripping for someone. Well I actually tripped for this guy. I mean, I literally missed my step. It was so embarrassing.  I guess he didn't notice, or it wasn't a big deal because that didn't stop him from asking me to be his girlfriend 2 days later. Well that didn't work out, but that's story for another day.

Another love I had kind of sneaked up on me. When I met him, I was looking for a distraction. Wanted to get my mind of a guy I was having serious infatuations about. I'm sure you are beginning to think I just like boys. Well you are right, I LIKE BOYS. Now stop distracting me and let's get back to what I was saying. He was meant to be a distraction, I was just having fun, chilling, whatever you want to call it. Chilling with him gave me a nice feeling and the attraction was crazy. I mean I kissed him on the first "date". Don't judge me! I liked him, he smelled nice, I wanted to kiss him, I sensed he felt the same, he walked me to my car, we talked some more, he leaned in, I didn't lean away, and well as they say, the rest is history.

I have fallen into the maze called love quite a few times and I must say getting out is very difficult. Some mazes are easier than others, but none is easy. Each time I say I won't enter that maze again, I do. When I do, I say I won't get lost, but I do. Then I start struggling to get out. I am patiently waiting for the day I will enter a maze that I won't want to get out of. A maze where each turn presents something new and exciting for me to discover. A maze that I would gladly get lost in because I feel safe and I know I can stay in here forever.

Testing, Testing...

Well I tried blogging before, and it didn't quite work out like I thought.  I have decided to give this another try instead of giving up like I usually do.

This will be a bit different from the last one. It is not a series. It is just me and all the crazy things I do or that happen to me.

Read and recommend to others if you like it. Your comments are also very welcome.

Thanks.